2017.

I guess sometimes it’s just easier to sit in isolation and keep yourself lonely
Than to try and be happy
I guess I get my pessimism from my Dad
Who taught me to never expect the best because it’s not likely to happen
Maybe that’s why I’ve always idolised the tragically sad artists that hide behind
Their narcissism
Because underneath all of mine I can’t feel as good as them
Maybe my self esteem took a hit and my ego killed himself

I spent this year drinking rum on Tuesdays and repeating my mistakes on Fridays
I keep feeling like everything should be coming together
But my chest keeps breaking when it hits the concrete
The foundations aren’t strong enough
And I don’t think I am
Or ever will be at this point

Sometimes I think this is all I am and all I’ll ever be
The same child that couldn’t colour within the lines
But other times my mum’s smile breaks through
I just wish maybe I’d call her or tell her I love her

I’ll swim towards the puffy eyed mermaid I left on the island
I’m still learning that maybe I’m not as dark as I think I am
And that my lack of self-esteem is real
And this ego I’ve created isn’t
If Nadeen could slit Deen’s throat then he would
But they need each other to survive
I guess the artist needs his vice or maybe he needs his art more
But like I said earlier, I was never able to colour in-between the lines

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The Island (lyrics from an unused song)

I was on the island
I was on the island with you

We were both our younger selves again, just like before
While I sat on the bed you looked down at the floor
You hadn’t realised what we’d lost
What I would cost

It’s been four years
Maybe I’d still try and dry your tears
So why are you here
Maybe you’re just another fear
That I won’t address or confess

But this is all just a dream
A dream so meta that I could only wake up from a nightmare
I doubt the real you would care
But I’ll never know cause I won’t call or message you
I’m at a point where I can admit, I didn’t deserve your puffy eyes
Or your silky hair
I’m at a point in my life where I can admit,
Dreaming awake seems to be my mistake
Yeah dreaming awake is always a mistake

Through The Looking Glass

Was I more or less than you thought I would be?
I know anxiety keeps biting me
While I look in your eyes
But I swear that this time I’m trying
Cause feeling like this doesn’t come naturally to me
Yet feeling like this towards you feels so natural
While there’s a catharsis to the way the touch of your breath swallows me

I’m looking through the glass strategically placed on your face
And not trying to find myself for once
Because there’s an element of you that makes my narcissism’s ego
Want all the attention on you
Your smile deserves it more than any inch of my skin

This is probably the most positive thing my pessimistic mind will say
But darling I adore you

I keep trying to find a fitting title for this but nothing seems to articulate how much you mean to me.

I’ll let you steal the glimmer in my eyes
So we can keep this light going
I’m still trying to find a way to make it up to you
Cause every-time I see you I still see pastel blue
I’m just glad you’ll give me another chance
Or so I hope that’s what this is

You’re all I want
To keep me pushing forward
You’re all I want
To help me with my self improvement

Maybe you’ll let me be golden again
And I promise I’ll take this one day at a time
Allow us to start over and destroy a house that doubt’s built

I’m lost in my head again
I’m trying to find a way to articulate how much I care
But I honestly swear that it’s more than I could put into words
According to the black hole in my chest
I’m allowing roses to grow in it’s place
While I hope they latch themselves onto you

You’re all I want
To keep my light from burning out
Your smile is all I want to see
When I wake up on a morning

Maybe you’ll let me be golden again
And I promise I’ll take this one day at a time
Allow us to start over and destroy a house that doubt’s built

It’s Been 1095 Days & My Beard Still Hasn’t Grown (Strung pt.2)

I’ve thought about cultivating a beard
For the last three years
While struggling to grow as a person
I just want you to tell me there’s some good
Left in me
‘Cause I feel like I was born with a leak
And everything that could’ve been profound within me
Just left

When your puffy eyes look at mine
I’m not looking for you to tell me what I want to hear
I like that you’re honest
I don’t want to rush too fast into all of this
‘Cause I’m scared of hurting you
And if I could stop that voice that doubts me
I’d replace it with your voice that’s calming me

I’ve spent the last four months
Obsessing over all my faults
And why they’re my fault
I promised myself that if I ever felt like this again
I’d give myself the chance
Happiness scares me and so does taking chances

I don’t think I deserve your pastel glow
But I just want you to know
That I appreciate everything you make me feel
And I’ll be thinking all of this when you’re laid next to me
Yet I’m still smiling at half three wanting to say
I’m really glad you like me because I really wanted you to.

The Tide

My once shaking hands, now steady themselves
While I try to create an imperfect phrase
To compliment your perfection
So I can see the glitter glisten in your eyes
I’m usually unable to stop my mouth from running
But I guess it wants to rest against your lips
While my hand wants to preserve the feeling on your cheek

No matter how far I strayed
It seems my feelings for you stayed
No matter how far I strayed
It seems my feelings for you stayed

The pump in my chest tries to keep up with
The beating of your heart
I’m hoping it can catch up
You’re turning the blood red in my head into pastel pinks
While I pessimistically and carefully fall for you

No matter how far I strayed
It seems my feelings for you stayed
No matter how far I strayed
It seems my feelings for you stayed

Wherever I run I can’t find another human
That can warm the cold like you
Your brown eyes have glistening seas in them
And a tide that pulls me closer with each glance
So wash over me and I’ll keep swimming in your moonlight

The Night Nadeen Meeran Came Into My Dream

Twist around the words on my tongue
Feel the aching in my chest
I think I’m losing myself again
While dreaming about a better me
But isn’t a better me just a different version
Of the person I am now
So is he really better?

I’m waiting for the curls in my hair
To straighten themselves
But we know that’s never happening

I’m avoiding white tops
So I don’t spill my emotions over it
Cause I know both blood and wine stain
It’s been a few years and I’m not the same

Turn around and face the emotions behind your eyes
Feel the tiredness of my neck
From holding my head up high in imaginary skies
Maybe I just let myself down for a bit
I wanna let body rest by my mind’s always at work
So I’ll let my bones feel the heat
While my skin burns

I’m avoiding my house
Cause the same three walls keep blocking the fourth
Causing me to lose my third dimension
I’m fearing that everyone can see my insecurities
Through the glass ceiling I call myself

Obsession//Repression

My obsession with self-improvement
That’s leading me back into my self-destruction
I’m loving the dark clouds it brings overhead
Making me feel comfortable in self-pity
So why won’t you wallow in the filth with me

I don’t have my mother’s depression but I feel like I’m getting close
I’ve inherited my father’s repression stopping all these emotions from spilling out
The world’s full of doom so won’t you grab my hand
While I try to understand the thoughts swimming through me

Darling, your mascara’s on my chest
The glow from your eyes illuminating my bedsheets
Covered in cum and sweat
We’ve both been getting high on the chemicals
From our insides
But alas once this fades
Will our feelings be spared and will we still remain?

Bend my faith over itself and burn it on the alter
Maybe I can pray for a better day
But is there anything better than praying that you don’t clean
These dirty sheets that are going to remind me of you
When you’re gone

Strung

I kinda like the way your body detoxes mine
Making me feel clean again
There’s picture frames missing from the memories
Of you and I
I’m conflicted whether I should be feeling this
Or if I’m wanting to give this a miss

With that said it’s obvious that the two halves
That split me in two
Are always thinking of you

You’ve got me strung on our past
And how it’s moved too fast
I’d give it one more chance
If you’d give me another dance

I’m at a loss at for words
When you’re smiling at all the stupid things I do
The walls of my room are pastel blue
But I’m staring at a ceiling that’s porcelain like your skin
I’m pretty sure you realise how paper thin I am
Yet how complex everything surrounding this is

I can’t remember a life before you
Cause you’ve been running through my mind
But I can’t comprehend what you’re trying to find

You’ve got me strung on our past
And how it’s moved too fast
I’d give it one more chance
If you’d give me another dance

Glimmer // Glamour

I feel alive,
When I’m making mistakes
Like the ones on my lips
And the ones that involve chemicals
Flying through my heart and my mind
So darling with that in mind
How are you starting to feel about the way
You’ve been complimenting my neck
Without speaking

I’m aware of the damage that comes from this
But loneliness and selfishness have decided for me
You’re aware of the damage that comes from this
But you just keep trying to give my lips another taste

I’ve been dying,
To tell you all the damages I’ve done
Cause driving you away is the right thing to do
But I’ve never been good at doing what’s right
The worst part, you wouldn’t listen anyway
I’m not a project and I don’t need saving
I just want to steal the glimmer from your eyes
And replace it with the glamour of our lies

I’m aware of the damage that comes from this
But loneliness and selfishness have decided for me
You’re aware of the damage that comes from this
But you just keep trying to give my lips another taste

When this ends you’ll tell me I deserve to be alone
While I’m jaded you’ll understand why it’s so easy
For you to fall out of love with me